Why is my child not motivated?

It’s a question I’m frequently asked by parents. Let’s say you’ve reached an agreement with your child that they can’t play video games on the weekend, unless they finish studying for their upcoming midterms and do all of their chores.  A perfectly reasonable trade.  You allow time during the week to elapse, hoping to see some movement on their end, but alas the days and hours pass, and your child has done nary a thing.  Now what?  Do you remind them?  Threaten them? Take away stuff? Eventually the deadline passes, your child has forgotten to do anything, and you, in your understandable frustration, enact a consequence.  No video games for two weeks.  Totally fair.  Lo and behold, under the weight of threat and suspended privileges, the next two weeks unfold swimmingly, with your child following through on all the agreements.  Finally, praise all that is holy, you believe that maybe, just maybe this time they get it now.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but they really don’t.  Sure, they’ll likely be responsive to a cycle of rewards and punishments, and that cycle may even be necessary, but for lasting behavioral change to take place, we need to think beyond extrinsic motivation.  To begin, extrinsic motivation does not work as effectively in adolescence as it does in early childhood.  In fact, research shows us that the power of extrinsic rewards to shape behavior begins to wane around age 12.  Why?  Well, it’s all developmental.  Younger children are more wired to please their parents and are therefore more likely to be attuned to what does and does not make them happy.  As children move into adolescence, teens are more focused on discovering and satisfying their own internal desires.  This doesn’t make them selfish or uncaring; it’s simply a natural part of the adult maturation process.

So what’s a parent to do?  Well, first let’s talk about how to cultivate the type of motivation that is far more effective - intrinsic motivation. The American Psychological Association defines intrinsic motivation as “an incentive to engage in a specific activity that derives from pleasure in the activity itself (e.g., a genuine interest in a subject studied) rather than because of any external benefits that might be obtained (e.g., money, course credits)”.  Cultivating intrinsic motivation is about helping your teen create a vision for a goal they want to achieve and helping them find purpose, and by extension self-esteem, in their lives.  If you’re looking to enhance your child’s intrinsic motivation, here are three things to keep in mind:

Autonomy: Teens need to believe they have a say in what they are doing; that they have choices and some modicum of autonomy.  Obviously, you need to provide parameters for your child, but look for ways to involve your teen in the decision making process and/or to give them optionality. 

Values:  If you’re a Village parent, you know we talk constantly about values.  If you haven’t yet had the ‘values’ talk, start there.  Then, in future conversations, ask your children to revisit those values regularly and consider how their personal values and the values of your family inform next steps.
Relate:  Acknowledge how they feel.  Better yet, share moments from your own life where you’ve found it tricky to summon the motivation to do something.  Compassion and connectivity will get you a lot more mileage than shame and punishment.