How to Help Your Stressed Out Teen
It’s never easy to watch a child struggle: our instinct is to protect them from pain and solve the problem. But if our ultimate goal is to help them become resilient and capable adults, the trick for parents is to find opportunities for them to learn life skills and grow from sometimes difficult experiences.
There are so many causes of stress during the teen years, from peer group issues to test-taking to the whole process of college admissions. Even though these challenges have different stakes – and overcoming them requires a variety of skills – here’s some universal advice to help your child get through and come out stronger on the other side.
Watch, Wait…and Guess. It’s easy to make incorrect assumptions about what’s going on for your teen, especially if he or she isn’t coming to you to unload or ask for advice. (No, you’re not alone: they almost never ask for advice.) Wait for a time when they’re not agitated and when they might feel less guarded – maybe they’re spacing out in the car or killing time on their phone – and then tell them specifically what you’ve been seeing and that you’re concerned. Teens get defensive when they sense judgment, so to get them to open up it’s important just to say what you’re observing objectively.
If she doesn’t share openly, try some deferential guessing:
“I wonder if you’re worried about _______. Is that right?”
“I’d think that _______ could feel overwhelming. Is that true for you?”
“It’d be natural to have some fear about _______. Is that part of it?”
If you’re wrong, you’ll give her an opportunity to tell you so, which at least could get her talking. And notice that each example ends with a question. That’s the differential part.
Listen More Than You Talk. It’s important not to seem intrusive: after all, you wanted privacy as a teen, right? So put your guesses out there, and don’t fill silence with unsolicited advice or a story. This is one of the most common mistakes when it comes to parenting teens. Stay quiet longer than feels natural. If he stays quiet, “Would you rather not talk about it now?” is always a welcome question. If you get a yes, then honor that with an “Is it OK if I check in with you about it later?”
There’s a good chance your attempt at reaching out won’t get you what you want in the moment, but your teen will appreciate your effort at connecting. (He won’t say that out loud, of course.) And it could build some trust that will help him open up at another time.
Name It To Tame It. If you can help her articulate what’s going on, she’ll feel less alone in carrying the stress. More importantly, naming what she’s feeling can help her manage it. It’s likely that more than one thing is weighing on your teen, and that she’s experiencing more than one emotion. Emotional states can be difficult to unpack, especially during adolescence. Teen feelings tend to be powerful, and even highly verbal kids can have trouble identifying all that they’re feeling. Putting emotions into words makes it easier to manage them. Parents can add a lot of value in this simple way.
You’ve Got This. If you and your child have clarified what she is feeling and why, be sure to validate that experience in a few words. Teens encounter many new situations that they’re not sure how to handle, but they lack the perspective to realize how normal that is. Sometimes all she needs is to hear that what she’s going through sounds hard, and that you’re confident in her. She might need some help with problem-solving too, but that reassurance that you believe in her is actually foundational as she stretches herself during adolescence and young adulthood.
Fixing. Whatever is causing your teen stress is likely to be something you know how to handle. But you know that it would be a win for him to work it out on his own. Dealing successfully with what we face builds confidence. Failing can impart wisdom. Succeeding after multiple attempts teaches resilience and agency.
Assuming that there is a solution other than just coping with difficulty, instead of handing your child a solution, try asking questions: What have you tried? What would you be willing to do differently? How might that work? What consequences might that have?
Maybe he’ll come up with a strategy that looks a lot like the advice you would have given. Isn’t it better for his confidence that he came up with it himself? And if he decides on an approach that you don’t agree with, are the stakes so high that he can’t learn something valuable from failing?
In general, resist the urge almost all parents have to share advice or personal stories. No matter how relevant the situation, most teens discount their parents’ experience. They can’t imagine that we know what they’re going through. If your child is an exception, you’re lucky. My advice is to add the following to your verbal toolkit: “Do you want to hear my advice? You won’t hurt my feelings if the answer is no.”
No Way Out But Through. If there’s no fix for what’s causing the stress, learning to cope is a valuable life lesson. A useful way of facing an intractable issue is to explore these questions
Is it permanent? Or will it improve with time?
Is it unmanageable? Or are there some things you can do to make the situation better?
Is it all-encompassing? Or are other things going well? Can you turn your attention to being grateful for those when the stressful stuff feels especially heavy?
Talking about what you’re grateful for shouldn’t be limited to Thanksgiving. You can start this practice at family meals or begin your own gratitude journal and share some of it with your teen. Gratitude exercises – along with getting exercise, maintaining a regular bedtime, and getting out into nature – are proven antidotes to stress. And modeling healthy behaviors is one of the most powerful gifts we can give our kids. They might not listen to what we say, but they notice what we do.