Why Is My Teen Mean to Me?
If you are the parent of a teenager, odds are you have experienced one of the great joys of parenting - your child behaving like a total a**hole toward you. Congratulations on surviving this parental rite of passage. And as much as it stings when your kid is mean to you - their behavior has probably very little to do with you. Even so, you probably have some questions about what’s happening and how you can respond.
Why is your kid being mean?
Just like when they were babies (and adults, for that matter), teenagers can have a short fuse when they are tired, stressed, hungry, or overstimulated/overextended.
Something else is upsetting them, and they’re taking it out on you because you’re safe. If you’ve ever had a teenager meltdown after asking them what they want for dinner, you know what I’m talking about.
Your teen may not be able to regulate themselves emotionally. This is developmentally appropriate; we sometimes forget our teens are not adults and lack the ability to respond like adults. Hormones can also affect your teen’s mood in critical ways.
When is it problematic?
When it’s chronic. When you see the behavior on a daily basis for an extended period of time (more than a week).
And it’s directed toward people outside your family. For example, you hear them fighting with friends, or their school reports disrespectful, bullying, or violent behavior.
When it’s a drastic change in their typical behavior.
How do you manage it?
If you think your child’s behavior is problematic, it’s time to seek external, professional support. Contact your pediatrician and get in touch with your school’s counseling office. Let your teen know you are worried about their safety and well-being and open the doorway to more conversations.
Otherwise, try not to take it personally. Take a breath and model a non-reactive response. Even if you are hurt or angry, take a step back and meet your teen with curiosity and help them name their emotions. For example, “You seem really frustrated by my question. Is there something you want to talk about or that I can help with?” If this feels hard, we recommend incorporating a daily meditation practice as a proven strategy to improve non-reactivity.
It is also okay to let your teen know that you’re a human with emotions. And that their behavior impacts you. For example, “When you yell at me, it hurts and makes me nervous. Can you pause for a second and say what you need without raising your voice?”
Lastly, make sure your teen is sleeping, exercising, eating fruits and veggies, and has downtime with friends and family.
When you respond in these ways, you are letting your child know that you love them and are there for them, regardless of their behavior. Meeting their negative and oftentimes big emotions with equanimity is the best way to diffuse a fraught situation and model the behavior you want to see.