Why "The Social Dilemma" is Required Viewing For Every Family

In its first month on Netflix earlier this fall, “The Social Dilemma” was viewed 38 million times. Learning that gave me hope, a feeling that the documentary offers sparingly. It does provide compelling information and a sense of urgency about social media and its effects on us and on the world, so watch it if you haven’t. And talk about it with your kids, too.

As a high school teacher for 16 years, I taught teens how to assess whether information they found on the Internet was authoritative. As a dean, I helped students engage with critical issues like minding their online reputation for years to come as well as respecting others.

Those are essential topics to help our teens with, but “The Social Dilemma” takes us to 10,000 feet, presenting industry insiders who unpack how social media is reshaping politics and society and us, the users whose attention is really what’s for sale online.

It should be required watching for anyone who (1) uses social media, (2) interacts regularly with teens, and/or (3) cares about the future for human beings. If you haven’t watched or discussed it with a teenager, place it high on your parenting priority list. Here are a few reasons why:

1) You want to help your teen use social media with caution. Middle and high school students have a natural tendency to be skeptical about institutions and adult motives. Help them turn that skepticism on the digital platforms they probably spend so much of their time using. 

Most teens have heard that incriminating online photos, videos and posts can hurt a person’s reputation, college admissions and job prospects. “The Social Dilemma” raises a subtler and more insidious problem: social media companies profit from monopolizing our attention and guiding our choices on behalf of their advertisers. Many teens will need help understanding how tech giants that provide awesome free services simultaneously manipulate us and why it’s a problem that our attention is what they sell. 

Fortunately, you can easily help them see how turning off notifications and hesitating before they click on recommended content will give them more control over their own attention and the messages they consume. These are essential 21st-century skills!

2) Kids need us to provide reality checks. “The Social Dilemma” makes a strong case for social media’s contribution to increased rates of teenage depression, anxiety and suicide. Adolescents have always sought validation from their peers, primarily, but striving to be “like”-able in an online world can lead to dangerous fragility and self-absorption.

We can help teens build resilience not just by giving healthy messages about their self-worth but, more powerfully, by ensuring that kids have meaningful in-person experiences with other adults and especially with young people. COVID has put a damper on many of the community service, athletic clubs and youth groups that traditionally held up positive “influencers” for teens. Look for opportunities to connect kids to well-managed live and virtual events. They need to interact in real time with peers and potential role models with off-line interests and with faces that aren’t filtered.

3) Meaningful conversation deepens connection. Kids need to maintain a secure attachment to adults who accept them unconditionally. As teenagers, part of their “job” developmentally is to push us away as they find their place among their peers, but that’s risky and sometimes painful work. We make it safer for teens to become independent by offering them our full attention and by continually inviting them to connect.

Since they are “digital natives,” we can give them a chance to feel like experts, genuinely asking for their perspective on issues that “The Social Dilemma” raises. That can help us refrain from lecturing and, instead, allow authentic give-and-take like in a conversation among adults. See my next post for some conversation starters.

Here’s a tip from a social studies teacher: as much as possible, ask a question instead of contradicting or making a counter-argument to something your teen says. This might start like “Isn’t it true that…” or “Would you agree that…” By asking and listening more and telling less, we demonstrate that we honor their perspectives and value them for who they are. This simple tweak counteracts the cultural message that their value is in how many likes or friends or followers they have.

In my next post, I’ll outline how to help your family manage the downside of social media and suggest resources that can support you. Make sure to subscribe to our mailing list so you don’t miss it!