From College Dropout to Harvard Grad: The Inextricable Link Between Character and Success
This is a true story about me and my unconventional path to a Harvard degree.
First things first. I didn’t just drop out of college. I flunked out of college. Are you familiar with the prefrontal cortex? Here’s a quick overview if you’re not: it’s the part of our brain that is responsible for planning, organizing, and understanding consequences. Basically, everything you need to become a high-functioning human being. Well, I don’t think I had one until I was 30. I was like, “What’s the worst thing that could happen if I skip class today?” Well, you could show up to class for the first time during a midterm (true story) and you can flunk enough classes to lose your financial aid and ultimately, your enrollment.
My life wasn’t exactly smooth sailing up to that point either. My closest childhood friend was shot and killed in a drive-by shooting when I was 15. My dad was almost killed and suffered irreparable brain damage at the hands of a drunk driver when I was 16. My mom, a Chinese immigrant spoke very little English and parented with traditional Chinese values that me, her very American daughter rebelled against at every turn.
The odds were stacked against me - it’s really not all that surprising I flunked out of college. I had, what we call in the adolescent development world, a lot of “risk” factors working against me and was missing a lot of the “protective” factors that would have helped support “positive life outcomes”. Basically, I didn’t have a lot of the support I needed to become successful in life. So how did I turn it all around and end up with a Harvard degree?
Resilience. I know that word gets thrown around a lot in parenting books and seminars. But what is it? Why is it so important? And how do you help your kids develop it?
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks (big and small) relatively unscathed. Whether it be recovering from getting a bad grade, breaking up with a boy/girlfriend, losing a job, or a loved one. Resilience allows us to move on with our lives in healthy and adaptive ways even when sh** hits the fan. And boy, is sh** hitting the fan for everyone these days. You can probably name the resilient people in your life simply by looking around you. They’re the ones who are making the best of a very bad situation: their social media posts aren’t all doom and gloom, they’ve used lockdown as a reason to pick up a new hobby, and you either like being in their presence or you hate them because what the heck are they so happy about these days, anyway?
So in a lot of ways, the hardships from my childhood also helped me become a resilient person. But how did I become resilient to those hardships, instead of just crumbling into pieces? It’s hard to say for sure, but some kids just start out more resilient than others. I don’t think my parents intentionally tried to create a resilient child, our life circumstances demanded it. They were small-business owners and worked all the time. I was a latch key kid from the ages of 8-18. If I forgot my key, I had to figure it out because there were no cell phones in 1987 and they sure as hell weren’t going to leave work to come get me.
But I know you’re an intentional parent because you’re reading this post. So what can you do to build the resilience in your kid that I fumbled into?
Resist the urge to fix, rescue, and save. This is incredibly difficult because no one wants to watch someone they love suffer. Yes, there are times you need to step in, but pause and do a gut check. Are you REALLY needed in this situation. How can you support without taking over? Can you listen instead of lecture?
Encourage your kids to take risks, especially if there’s a good change they’ll fail. I’m a former college counselor and admissions officer. It always surprises me how many teenagers experience their first “no” when they get rejected from college. The more chances your kids have to bounce back from rejection with a soft place to land (you) the more resilient they’ll become. A “no” isn’t the end of the road; the more chances they get to experience that, the more they’ll believe it.
Show your kids that life isn’t just a series of checkboxes. Most of the teens I work with never question the road they're on. They just get on it because that’s what’s expected. You can help your kids cultivate a sense of purpose by asking them why? Why do you want to go to college? That’s a question I never asked until I had already flunked out. Why do you like writing for the school newspaper? Why do you spend your entire weekend playing Fortnite? That last question is a test to see if you can ask these questions from a place of curiosity and not judgment. Help your kids connect their values and character strengths to their choices.
Give them a pair of rose-colored glasses. Did you know that optimism is one of the best predictors for positive life outcomes? Optimists experience more job success and make more money than their less optimistic peers. So be a Pooh and not an Eeyore. Ask your kids to share one good thing that happened during their day every night at dinner. Be a giver - volunteer, help your neighbors, be an active member of your community and encourage your kids to do the same.
So how does Harvard fit into all of this? Shame kept me from applying to graduate school for ages, but all the losses I had suffered earlier in my life helped me step off the ledge and feel confident that no matter what, I’d land on my feet. So in the middle of a divorce (right?), I applied to Harvard and got accepted. I was 39 years old. I was the oldest person in my program by quite a few years and probably also one of the happiest and most purpose-driven.
So if you’ve got a late bloomer on your hands, rest assured that things can and most likely will, turn around for them. And if you have an unhappy, high-achiever, know that developing a stronger sense of purpose means happier days will be headed their way soon.
My personal story has been such a gift in that it’s modeled for the teens I work with a different path to success. That life doesn’t end or begin with a bad grade or admission to your dream college. That life is full of twists and turns so we better hold on to our hats. Or better yet, hold on to ourselves.