Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow: Preparing to Send Your Child to College
A recent trip to Target reminded me that it’s that time of year again. Hoping to quickly grab a few items, I found my normal route blocked by an overflowing display of shower caddies, extra long twin sheets, and an assemblage of very cute, albeit totally impractical throw pillows. Surprisingly, it still didn’t quite hit me until I passed the tower o’plastic bins. That’s right; it’s August! And, in my line of work, August means college move-in day.
For parents, sending your child off to college is an exciting time, but it’s also a waypoint on the parenting journey marked by uncertainty and mixed feelings. On one hand, the end of high school marks a symbolic end to childhood. From a developmental perspective, this is a very significant and appropriate step towards adulthood and in a way, the whole point of the raising-a-kid deal. On the other hand, you can’t help but think about the fact that they still don’t do their own laundry and require three alarm clocks to make it to school on time. So yeah, you’re worried and wonder if they are really ready.
With so much to consider, here are five tried and tested recommendations for parents navigating the college transition:
1) Stop Doing ALL the Things
Humans learn through experience and resilience is derived from an innate belief in one’s own capacity to react positively and quickly to difficulties. In other words, your children need to believe in their ability to ‘figure it out,’ whatever the ‘it’ happens to be in the moment. So, with that in mind, it’s time to put a hard stop on certain behaviors that enable dependence and discourage self-efficacy. Let’s start small and make sure your kids can do the following:
Laundry
Feed Themselves
Make Their Own Appointments
Fill Prescriptions
Access and Understand Financial Information
2) Talk Values and About the Tough Stuff
Have you talked to your children about consent? About campus safety? About credit cards? You’ll be tempted to delay these conversations in the name of ‘enjoying the present’, but remember that all children need explicit guidance in these areas. The key here isn’t to tell your children what to do. Odds are high that doing so will only yield a lot of eye-rolling and huffy “I KNOW” responses. Rather, serve as a sounding board and encourage their critical thinking about these topics. Talk about values, theirs and yours, and how those values might guide decision-making.
3) Address Your Child’s Individual Needs
Are there certain resources that you know your child will need to utilize in college? For example, if a student received accommodations for a documented learning difference in high school, odds are high that they may need to utilize similar resources in college. Support your child as they investigate these relevant resources. Commons services that are worthwhile to look up together are...
Health Center
Pharmacy
Mental Health Counseling
Campus Transportation
Learning Support Services
Academic Advising
4) Work Together to Determine Communication Expectations (And Be Prepared to Calibrate)
In college, the manner and frequency with which you communicate with your child will look different. So, if you have certain expectations around communication, now is the time to discuss those. If you want a weekly call, for example, then you must say so. Also, examine these expectations critically. Is it appropriate to expect a daily call? For them to come home every weekend? While there is no ‘right’ answer here, as each family and their values differ, it’s important to keep in mind your child’s increasing desire for autonomy.
5) Offer Support Through Mistakes and Crisis (not rescue)
At some point in your child’s college journey, you will receive some type of panicked phone call. They might be crying because they’re homesick, because they just broke up with their partner, because they failed a midterm exam. Barring situations where your child’s health is in immediate danger, your job in those moments isn’t to fix the issue, but rather to support your child in developing their own positive coping strategies. Think of yourself as we do here at Village, as coaches helping them build the resilience and problem-solving skills they will need, not only for college but for the decades ahead.
Finally, I hope in the weeks ahead that you can savor your time with your child. Go to their favorite breakfast spot. Take a drive together. Watch a silly movie you both love. Soon, the opportunity for these day-to-day interactions will be harder to come by. While that may make you wistful or even a bit sad, take heart. Children always need their parents in some way or another, and this new chapter offers a beautiful opportunity to deepen and enhance the bond you already have.
If you find that your child is truly struggling with the transition to college, just remember Village is here to help. We coach young adults - many of whom need a little extra support during this time in their lives.