Am I Spoiling My Kid?
When I worked at a fancy prep school in Silicon Valley, I met many a spoiled child, one that got almost every single one of their material needs met. Unlimited tab at the local country club? Check. A shiny new Tesla when they turned 16? Check. A different pair of Lululemon leggings for every day of the week? Check. One girl even showed up in my office on her 18th birthday in her brand-new Louboutin knee-high boots. The interesting thing was that most of these kids were incredibly nice and not at all what you think of when you hear ‘spoiled.’ I had a much bigger problem with the entitled kids. Spoiled kids can be entitled. But not all entitled kids are spoiled.
Entitlement means expecting something for nothing. I expect that I will have a parking space even when I show up late. I expect that I will get an A for doing the bare minimum. I’ll never forget the boy who said to me during course sign-ups, “What do you mean that class is full? Do you know how much I pay to go to school here?” I had to count to ten.
The problem is that entitled kids grow up to be entitled (and often self-centered) adults. You might have some in your life. The relative that shows up randomly and expects to be fed dinner. The guy at work who expects a raise for his mediocre performance. That exhausting friend who only talks about themselves and expects you to listen attentively the whole time. They’re, well…annoying. And they tend not to be very self-aware, resilient, or content people. Entitlement can turn into narcissism in a heartbeat if you’re not careful.
This is why spoiling your child can be dangerous. From there, it’s a slippery slope toward entitlement, and you know where that can lead. So what can you do as a parent?
Say “no” and mean it. Don’t give your child everything they want. And especially not in the moment they ask for it. Patience truly is a virtue.
Foster resilience. Don’t let your child quit something just because it’s hard or because they’re not getting enough recognition or accolades.
Make them work. Give them chores and the expectation that they are contributing to your household. Once they are old enough, encourage them to get a job so they can earn their own spending money.
Don’t bribe your kids. For example, “If you stop whining, you can have a piece of chocolate.” You’re rewarding bad behavior and unintentionally reinforcing the idea: I can get something for nothing.
Engage in community service regularly. Get your kids out of their bubbles so that they can practice empathy and perspective-taking. And if you are wealthy, deemphasize the importance of material items as a marker of happiness or contentment if you are working with communities with less. Point out the strengths you see so that your child can see that character matters.
That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t ever indulge or spoil your child. There are times when it is appropriate. Holidays and special occasions like birthdays, graduations, and milestones all come to mind. Balance is key.
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