“You Do You,” and Other Ways to Stay Sane During Your Child’s College Process
I often tell the teens I work with “you do you,” which for all you non-Millennials out there essentially means do what’s right for you and don’t worry about what other people are up to. This is especially true when it comes to the college process - for teens and their parents.
There is ALWAYS going to be another child - the daughter or your gynecologist, the son of your yoga instructor’s accountant, Malala - who is achieving at levels your child can hardly begin to imagine. Comparing your kid to that kid is bound to leave you deflated and let down by your offspring. I talk to my students all the time about the dangers of self-comparison. I’m not sure if we can ever truly rid ourselves of self-comparison; it’s a part of human nature to compare ourselves to others to see how we stack up. You could even argue that a little bit of self-comparison can be motivating. But when you do too much of it, you’re bound to be disappointed. Maybe you’re one of those parents who can shake it off. But your kid isn’t nearly as skilled at doing that, and if they catch wind of you comparing them (in what you thought was a private late-night conversation with your spouse), you’re going to drop-kick their ego. Being a teenager is hard enough - trust me, your kid probably already thinks less of themselves than they should - they don’t need their parents joining in on the chorus of self-criticism.
So, what do you do when you are leaving a PTA meeting and that one parent (you know the one I’m talking about) corners you and asks you where your child is applying to college? Or maybe they’re holding court and complaining about how busy their son or daughter is trying to improve their 1580 SAT score while raising $20K biking across the state with a broken leg while training for a national playoff game with their elite club soccer team?
Breathe. Take a deep breath and fill your heart with the love and pride you feel for your child. Picture them at their cutest, if channeling warm feelings for your teenager is hard right now. Tune out the anxiety and tune into the joy parenting your child has brought you.
Be FIRM. Here’s something I use with my teens all the time: Figure out your boundaries, Inform with a Reason, and Make a Suggestion. Tell this other person (parent, relative, etc.) what your boundary is around sharing the college process. Maybe it’s that you aren’t sharing details about your child’s college process; the reason being your child has asked you not to. Lastly, suggest what you’d like to talk about instead. Perhaps you’d rather talk about the sadness of an empty nest, or your worries about the future.
You do you and don’t buy into the hype. Let’s be real: rumors are just that, rumors, there is no magic bullet, and College Confidential is a blight to humanity - okay, maybe an overstatement, but it is, at the very least, toxic. So don’t engage. You can happily just shut your ears and walk away from conversations and stop reading the articles that don’t serve you or your child.
Remember that where your child goes is not who they will be. It turns out that it matters much more what your child does once they get to college than where they go to college - parent for flourishing, not just academic achievement. Overwhelmingly, the parents and students I’ve worked with over the years who have a sane and peaceful college admissions process TRULY internalize and believe this.
Last but not least, remember that this process isn’t about you. Where your child goes to college is not a reflection of your parenting. I’ve had students with absolute sh** parents get into Harvard, and other kids who had Dr. Spock and Mary Poppins as their parents get denied from elite colleges. The college process is subjective, and that makes it scary. I get it. But the more you try to control it and your kids, the more miserable everyone is going to be. Varsity Blues, anyone?
No matter where your kid gets their “fat envelope,” or rather, fat email these days, know that you did your best. If you’re reading this article, it must be because you care about their future, and that counts for a lot. They may fail, they may falter, but they will always have you in their corner. And that’s “you doing you” at its finest.